Quotes from Jeremy Clarkson

Now at this point you are probably thinking: so what? There is no Ebola in the world at the moment. Oh yes there is, but despite a twenty-year, multi-million-dollar hunt nobody has been able to find where it lives. Some say the host is a bat, others say it's a spider or a space alien. All we know is that occasionally, and for no obvious reason, someone comes out of the jungle with bleeding eyes and his stomach in a bag.

I look at everyone in their Honda CR-Vs and their BMW X3s and their Audi Q3s and I think, Are you all mad? An ordinary estate or hatchback costs less to buy and less to run and is nicer to drive, more comfortable and just as practical. But it doesn't take up so much bloody space.

My sister once asked why it always feels, in any car, as if you're sitting inside a man's wash bag, and she has a point. They're normally black and dark and enlivened only by some red stripes.

Colin Chapman summed up his philosophy thus: 'Simplify and add lightness.' Mind you, he also said, 'You would never catch me driving a race car that I have built.' Which probably explains why Lotus came to be known as an acronym for Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

The prime minister is a Labour Tory. There's a mosque at the end of your street and a French restaurant next door. We are neither in nor out of Europe. We are famous for our beer but we drink in wine bars. We are not a colonial power but we still have a commonwealth. We are jealous of the rich but we buy into the Hello! celebrity culture. We live in a United Kingdom that's no longer united. We are muddled.

Only once was this not an option. A girlfriend had been pinned against the wall by a wiry, tattooed man whose speech was slurred by a combination of drink and being from Glasgow.

I tapped the drunken Scotsman on the shoulder and said, as politely as possible: 'Excuse me.' He whirled round, his eyes full of fire and his hands balled into steel-hard fists. But the blow never came. 'Christ, you're a big bastard,' he said, and ran off. It was the proudest moment of my life.

I can't imagine that I would be terribly happy living in Afghanistan, either, though I dare say there is some satisfaction in going to bed thinking: 'Well, at least I wasn't shot today.

And I'm not sure I would like it in Brazil, either, having to walk around in a thong to demonstrate that I had nothing about my person worth stealing.

I must say, at this juncture, that I don't like fighting. I prefer passive resistance and, if that doesn't work, active fleeing.

Porsche made more money last year from selling almost 190,000 cars than its parent company, Volkswagen, made from selling more than 4.5 million.

Everyone was jolly cross with Michael Fish when he didn't see the 1987 storm coming. But it turns out that he had no satellites and no computers, just a big checked jacket. Big checked jackets are no good at predicting the weather.

Then you have people who say you can tell when rain is coming because the cows are lying down. Not so. According to my new friend at the Met Office, cows lie down because they are tired.

Did I mention the dolphin? As a unique selling point the boys in Tahiti had caught themselves a big grey beasty which spent all day on its back, in a lagoon, being pawed by overweight American women with preposterous plastic tits and unwise G-string bikini bottoms. 'Would you like to see his penis?' asked the man in a skirt when I climbed into the water. No. What I'd like to do is spear you through the heart with a harpoon and let the miserable thing have a taste of freedom.

Sceeeeeeeeeeeeee'

In Conisborough there's no Hoxton Square to bring a bit of light relief. It's just mile after mile of broken windows and the bloody Earth Centre.

Flirting is the oil that lubricates the engine of ingenuity and wit

It won't be a volcano that ends man's existence on this planet. It'll be the no-win no-fee lawyers. They are the ones who brought Europe to a halt last week. They are the ones who made a simple trip from Berlin to London into a five-country, all-day hammer blow on your licence fee. They are the ones who must be stopped.

Yes, it's true, you can only be as happy as your least happy child and they are a constant font of worry and stress.

Stick to breathing. It's the only thing you're any good at.

shop assistants who think they can sing

I think it's because, in our complicated lives, we yearn only for the simple. An evening in front of the telly. A nice sit-down. A game of cards. At a drinks party, I can find myself talking to a fascinating and beautiful woman who's just written a book about something interesting and clever. But what I yearn for is to be in the pub with my mates.

More importantly, if you can't enjoy a glass of wine on a lovely sunny day then you have removed one of the tent poles of civilization from your life. You have become no better than a cow, or a rabbit.

Flying means boredom. Next time you're going away, just drive. You can leave when you want. You don't have to sit next to a stranger. You can listen to all sorts of loud music without headphones and look at things out of the window that aren't just clouds. Driving is sensible alternative to flying.