Quotes from Greg Behrendt

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

The only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less.

You already have one asshole, you don't need another one

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account.

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation

Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

big plans require big action

It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.

Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

It's an odd thing to think about, but try imagining that your breakup is a disease. If you were told that you had a serious yet curable disease, would you go get hammered on a regular basis? Eat two bags of Oreos? Chain-smoke, pop, pills, get stoned, or fuck around? NO YOU WOULDN'T. You would take great care of yourself and cut all the unhealthy things out of your life. Because you love yourself, and even if you don't right now, WE DO. So put the (insert vice here) and start moving on.

I don't know means NO! I don't know means I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation. I don't know means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.

Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time

An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship.

you are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved.

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.