Quotes from Terry Pratchett

The demon coughed nervously. Demons do not breathe; however, every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life. And this was one of them as far as the demon was concerned.

Woss the matter with you?" asked Big Ted, irritably. "Go on. Press 'D.' Elvis Presley died in 1976." I DON'T CARE WHAT IT SAYS, said the tall biker in the helmet, I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HIM.

Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with scented bootlaces.

On the other hand the Nac Mac Feegle were always looking for a fight, in a cheerful sort of way, and when they had no one to fight they fought one another, and if one was all by himself he'd kick his own nose just to keep in practice.

She'd read the dictionary all the way through. No one told her you weren't supposed to.

Mr Tulip raised a trembling hand. 'Is this the bit where my whole life passes in front of my eyes?' he said. NO, THAT WAS THE BIT JUST NOW. 'Which bit?' THE BIT, said Death, BETWEEN YOUR BEING BORN AND YOUR DYING.

Behind her, Preston grunted and said, I know it's not the right thing to say to a lady, miss, but you are sweating like a pig! Tiffany, trying to get her shattered thoughts together, muttered, My mother always said that horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies merely glow... Is that so? said Preston cheerfully. Well, miss, you are glowing like a pig!

Once you get troops on the streets, it's only a matter of time before it goes bad. Some kid throws a stone, next minute there's houses on fire and people getting killed.

Granny Weatherwax always held that you ought to count up to ten before losing your temper. No one knew why, because the only effect of this was to build up the pressure and make the ensuing explosion a whole lot worse.

They stole from rich merchants and temples and kings. They didn't steal from poor people; this was not because there was anything virtuous about poor people, it was simply because poor people had no money.

I heard this story once, she said, where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learned amazin' stuff about the universe and everythin' from another prisoner who was incredibly clever, and then he escaped and got his revenge. What incredibly clever stuff do you know about the universe, Gytha Ogg? said Granny. Bugger all, said Nanny cheerfully. Then we'd better bloody well escape right now.

There's no educating a smart boy.

Ye ken, we've been robbin' and running aroound on all kinds o' worlds for a lang time, and I'll tell ye this: The universe is a lot more comp-li-cated than it looks from the ooutside.

Nanny Ogg usually went to bed early. After all, she was an old lady. Sometimes she went to bed as early as 6 a.m.

Bad spelling can be lethal.

Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit.

Funny, reely, he said. You spend your whole life goin' to school and learnin' stuff, and they never tell you about stuff like the Bermuda Triangle and UFOs and all these Old Masters running around the inside of the Earth. Why do we have to learn boring stuff when there's all this brilliant stuff we could be learnin', that's what I want to know.

One of my predecessors used to have people torn to death by wild tortoises. It was not a quick death.

Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.

Witches have animals they can talk to, called familiars. Like your toad there. I'm not familiar, said a voice from among the paper flowers. I'm just slightly presumptuous.

Take it from me, whenever you see a bunch of buggers puttering around talking about truth and beauty and the best way of attacking Ethics, you can bet your sandals it's all because dozens of other poor buggers are doing all the real work around the place.

And if you couldn't trust the government, who could you trust? Very nearly everyone, come to think of it...

Jaime had never realised that trees made a sound when they grew, and no-one else had realised it either, because the sound is made over hundreds of years in waves of twenty-four hours from peak to peak. Speed it up, and the sound a tree makes is vrooom .

It's bad enough barging into Guild property, but we'll get into really serious trouble if we shoot anyone. Lord Vetinari won't stop at sarcasm. He might use' - Colon swallowed - 'irony.