Quotes from Terry Pratchett

Gods?" said Xeno. "We don't bother with gods. Huh. Relics of an outmoded belief system, gods." There was a rumble of thunder from the clear evening sky. "Except for Blind Io the Thunder God," Xeno went on, his tone hardly changing.

The trouble with gods is that after enough people start believing in them, they begin to exist. And what begins to exist isn't what was originally intended.

Her books on alchemy were marvellous objects, every page a work of the engraver's art, but they nowhere contained instructions like Be sure to open a window. They did have instructions like Adde Aqua Quirmis to the Zinc untile Rising Gas Yse Vigorousky Evolved, but never added Don't Doe Thys Atte Home or even And Say Fare-Thee-Welle to Thy Eyebrows.

Several sellers of hot meat pies and sausages in a bun had appeared from nowhere and were doing a brisk trade. [Footnote: They always do, everywhere. No-one sees them arrive. The logical explaination is that the franchise includes the stall, the paper hat and a small gas-powered time machine.]

If I'd had to buy you, you wouldn't be worth the price.

The universe was bad enough without people poking it.

He sagged to his knees. He ached all over. It wasn't just that his brain was writing cheques that his body couldn't cash. It had gone beyond that. Now his feet were borrowing money that his legs hadn't got, and his back muscles were looking for loose change under the sofa cushions.

It was a Guild of Assassins, after all. Black was what you wore. The night was black and so were you. And black had such style, and an Assassin without style, everyone agreed, was just a highly paid arrogant thug.

You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you? Only a man would think of that. It's our job, said Moist. If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will.

Legitimate First watched them go as they walked away. Sergeant Colon felt he was being measured up. I've always wondered about his name, said Nobby, turning and waving. I mean...Legitimate? Can't blame a mother for being proud, Nobby, said Colon.

Some magic is so old, it's hardly magic anymore.

Ponder just let it happen. It's because their minds are so often involved with deep and problematic matters, he told himself, that their mouths are allowed to wander around making a nuisance of themselves.

The news that they have nothing to fear is guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of innocents everywhere.

The end of times? said Nanny. Look, Tiff, Esme tol' me to say, if you want to see Esmerelda Weatherwax, then just you look around. She is here. Us witches don't mourn for very long. We are satisfied with happy memories - they're there to be cherished.

Rincewind trudged back up the beach. The trouble is, he said, is that things never get better, they just stay the same, only more so.

Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir, that your polar ice caps are below regulation size for a planet of this category, sir.

He was certain he was anorectic, because every time he looked in a mirror he saw a fat man. It was the Archchancellor, standing behind him and shouting at him.

All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.

People like that don't need a reason apart from because I can. They have a nightmare and try to make it happen.

Don't trust the cannibal just 'cos he's usin' a knife and fork!

Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o'clocks in one day.

Why does everyone run toward a blood-curdling scream? mumbled the Senior Wrangler. It's contrary to all sense.

But I did not return until half past four this morning and I distinctly remember stubbing my toe on the stairs. I am as drunk as a skunk, Drumknott, which of course means skunks are just as drunk as I. I must say the term is unfamiliar to me, and I had not thought hitherto of skunks in this context, but Mustrum Ridcully was kind enough to enlighten me.

The children refused to disbelieve in the monsters because, frankly, they knew damn well the things were there. But she'd found that they could, very firmly, also believe in the poker.