Quotes from Billy Crystal

I could always improvise. Some of my teachers remember me standing in front of the class with a flower on my head, talking about photosynthesis. I'd stop and say, 'Is this working for any of you?' The kids were like, 'What is he doing?'

I'm going to be your grandpa! / I have the biggest smile. / I've been waiting to meet you for such a long, long while.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

I was a per diem floater in the same junior high school I went to. I sat in the office and made $42.50 a day, and whenever a teacher was absent, I'd substitute. I taught everything from English to auto shop.

Since I got into the movies, 'Running Scared,' that did $40 million. 'Princess Bride,' I got good reviews for the character Miracle Max. 'Memories of Me' didn't do well. 'Throw Mama from the Train' did $70 million. 'Harry and Sally' did 95 or 96. 'City Slickers' did $120 million.

I was a film-directing major at NYU. I'm still not sure why I became a directing major, when I was really an actor and a comedian, but there was something that drew me to doing that.

We're seeing this disintegration of the family movie into these blockbuster things that kids should not be exposed to with explosions, carnage and violence.

I didn't rebel as a child. I missed that angry teenager thing.

Our professor was Marty Scorsese. Marty was a graduate student, or Mr. Scorsese, which is what I had to call him, and still do when I see him 'cause he gave me a C.

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

Time scares me: having enough time to do all the things that I want to do in life, just even in terms of forgetting about the business I'm in.

What passes for sports coverage is terribly sycophantic.

My Aunt Sheila was terrifying! She would put a napkin in her mouth and say, 'You've got something on your face, dear. Let me just scratch that off your face. Let me sand your cheek.'

President Clinton knew the course and goes, 'Here's what you want to do here.' By the fourth hole, you wanted to hit him with your putter.

It's like being a gym rat, but you're a theater rat, and then that becomes your fraternity house. That becomes your extended family.

When you realize you want to invest the rest of your lifestyle with somebody, you want the rest of your life to commence as quickly as achievable.

Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?

There's only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.

I'd like to think there is a Heaven, and it starts from the happiest day in your life.

I was raised mostly by my mom.

Gentlemen, start your egos.

I'd stand on a coffee table, and my cousin Edith would give me dimes, and you put the dimes on your head... And when your forehead was full, show was over.

In the late 1960s, I was working as an usher for the New York stage production of 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.'