Quotes from Billy Crystal

Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues.

We tiptoe around like we're the Frank family and the Gestapo is downstairs. The baby monitor is in our room, and the unspoken rule is that when the kids go down, so do we. So at seven P.M., I'm in bed waiting for the sandman to come. I can't watch TV, because the noise may wake up the kids; I can't listen to music with my iPod earbuds, because then I can't hear the monitor; and I can't have sex, because that could wake up Janice.

It's more important to look good than to feel good. Billy Crystal on Saturday Night Live

The kind of people who spoke mostly Yiddish, which is a combination of German and phlegm. This is a language of coughing and spitting; until I was eleven, I wore a raincoat.

Thurmond—same thing. Kennedy, Eisenhower, Clinton . . . all men of power, and the power went right to their pants. Even FDR fooled around. This

but I had learned over the years that if you're not happy doing what you're doing, then you shouldn't be doing it.

Think of renovating a house like operating the federal government. You start with a budget and the revenue to finance it. Then the special interests keep adding items to the list; you have to end the war between the interior decorator and the electrician, so you pump in more money to buy peace; and by the time you're done, you're $16 trillion in debt and having to borrow money from the Chinese.

We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror.

Insomnia, from the Greek word meaning "I can't fucking sleep!

We first knew something was up when the construction chief pulled out a stethoscope and started listening to the wall.

But I say to all of you, as my Mom said to me: Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you're here, and that people love you and you love them.

I miss those days, those midnight hours on the turnpike with nothing on the road but trucks and me, and nothing on my mind but the act and how I could make it funnier.

I don't like to watch my work after I do it because it just - I'll always look at the wrong things.

Two things I really wanted to be: a stand-up comic or a New York Yankee - or a really funny New York Yankee.

I can always say I led off for the New York Yankees. It's an amazing feeling.

My grandparents invented joylessness. They were not fun. I've already had more fun with my grandchildren than my grandparents ever had with me.

My dad, Jack, had a great sense of humour and had a strong impact on me and my humour.

I'm comfortable being old... being black... being Jewish.

You don't want to wait for that aged jockey role.

Ali forced us to take a look at ourselves. This brash young man who thrilled us, angered us, confused and challenged us, ultimately became a silent messenger of peace who taught us that life is best when you build bridges between people, not walls.

My mum, Helen, was hilarious. She had a tremendous sense of humour and was a great singer and tap dancer. For many years, she was the voice of Minnie Mouse in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. She would be in the float as it came along, singing whatever the Minnie Mouse song of the day was. She was a really big spirit in my life.

All that time, you go, 'God, am I slipping away here?' And then something great happens, you get a call, and work begets more work.

I never felt I had my 15, 16, 17 kind of years the way I maybe should have. It's a huge dent in you that it's hard to knock out and make it all smooth again.

I'm going to go on just living and laughing and loving.