Quotes from Erma Bombeck

Housework can kill you if done right.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Children make your life important.

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!