Quotes from Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?

If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.

There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"

Kitchen wisdom: Count your blessings but count your calories too.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriendand he's a priest.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.