Quotes from Erma Bombeck

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

God created man, but I could do better.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.