Quotes from Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country the American dollar will fall like a stone.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.

There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.