Quotes from Erma Bombeck

I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own toys, if men don't have pockets in their pants, tougho.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you" to dessert that night. And for what?!

Men who have a thirty-six-televised-football-games-a-week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

Raising a family wasn't something I put on my resumé, but I have to ask myself, would I apply for the same job again?

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

There were really only two men I knew who ever got a laugh out of paying their income taxes. One was cheating the government and getting away with it. The other had a sick sense of humor and would probably have set up a concession stand at the Boston Tea Party and sold sugar cubes and lemon slices.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain loving one another.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

For years it has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.