Quotes from Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Success is outliving your failures

I used everything you gave me.

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.

If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.

Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.

There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.