Quotes from Erma Bombeck

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

I am not a glutton, I am an explorer of food

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?

Never have more children than you have car windows.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, No, thank you, to dessert that night. And for what!

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.