Quotes from Erma Bombeck

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, hurt, and fail.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

God created man, but I could do better.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.

the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.

I lost everything in the post-natal depression.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. ~Hans Christian Anderson When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."