Quotes from Johnny Carson

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work.

I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.