Quotes from Johnny Carson

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.

Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Only lie about the future.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

If variety if the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.