Quotes from Johnny Carson

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

Only lie about the future.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while.

There comes a time or a moment when you know in which direction you're going to go. I know it happened to me when I was quite young.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.'

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.