Quotes from Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes when people say, 'Well, he's stuck-up.' 'Stuck-up' is only another word for self-conscious.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.