Quotes from Art Buchwald

Being in the hospice didn't work out exactly the way I had expected. By all rights, I should have finished my time here in mid-March 2006 - at least, that's when Medicare stopped paying.

I've known Don since he came to Washington. When he first came to work for George W. Bush, he was a different Don Rumsfeld. He was jolly, full of life, and ready to go to war, but only if we could win.

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

Becoming eighty is a matter of life or death. I chose life. It is a much better position to be in, and it's easier on your back.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

The Marine Corps was the first father figure I had ever known.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there is something wrong with him.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new type program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.