Quotes from Jay Leno

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's third wife Day.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore.

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good…Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. Pollution? It's those damn trees.

I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They've already done it. It's called a nickel.

Leno said the rainy weather in California couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn down the studio for the insurance money. Jan. 21, 2010

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

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They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.

There's nothing more frightening than a day job.

I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.

Dac? Dumnezeu ar fi vrut s? vot?m, ne-ar fi dat candida?i.

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking.

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.

George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.