Quotes from Jay Leno

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people they're just acquaintances.

Here's something to think about How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'

How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.

Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can. What your co-workers say about you, what your opponent is doing -- that doesn't matter.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?

President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.

Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn't know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

Anybody can have a life. Careers are hard to come by.

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.