Quotes from Jay Leno

Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.

John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.

If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about.

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.

The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.

In Berlin, a laundromat was raided because it was a front for a brothel. You know what tipped police off? Men doing laundry.

It's a traveling syphilitic sideshow: I don't like the circus. Diseased animals and hermaphrodite clowns throwing anthrax spores at the children. This is like entertainment from the ninth century. Greeks, trolls, mutants, all these inbred circus people. They come out from under bridges, releasing disease and pestilence into the air. I don't like the circus.

The Supreme Court has ruled they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

"As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world, and then get my own apartment."

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

Fourteen members of the House of Representatives got stuck in an elevator together, and it ended badly. They got out.

There was a 194-car crash in Los Angeles. Luckily the guy in the first car was still able to complete his cell phone call.

We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?

The Discovery Channel had a fascinating show on the mating habits of hyenas. They said that the male hyena often will get angry at the female hyena while they are having sex. It doesn't help that the female hyena is laughing at you all the time.

I had my car towed. There's nothing wrong with it. That was just cheaper than buying a tank of gas.

I tell you one thing I'm upset about: the day after Christmas my tree is all dried up, all brown. I went back to where I bought it, and the whole place is gone. This is the last year I buy my Christmas tree from one of those fly-by-night businesses.

Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.

A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: diet and exercise.

According to a new survey, 56 percent of women carry condoms. The other 44 percent are carrying babies.