Quotes from Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." And the girl behind the counter says, "Would you like fries with that?"

Heres something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery?

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.

Experts are saying that President Bush's goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don't we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'

A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!

Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

The New England Jornal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?