Quotes from Jay Leno

Another umpire was attacked by a fan. That's not fair. With their poor eyesight you know umpires can't pick suspects out of lineups.

I saw a stupid ad for a microwave that cooks in ten seconds. Are there really people who say, "I've been home for ten seconds, where the hell is dinner?"

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

I looked up the word politics in the dictionary. It's actually a combination of two words: poli, which means many, and tics, which means bloodsuckers.

America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why: you've got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10-year-olds. Hey, what's this? A Pepsi ad? They're ruining the integrity of the Internet!

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give it up. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football. And I have 20-20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there's nothing worth fighting about.

Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

A new medical study reports that men who eat ten pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate problems at age 50. That's because they are usually dead by age 40.