Quotes from Eddie Izzard

I wanna live 'til I die. No more, no less.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away that's the deal.

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who've had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you've got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.

Cake or death?

What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

I want to live till I die. No more, no less.

Have you got a flag?

They're not women's clothes. They're my clothes. I bought them.

This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You.

I am an evil Giraffe.