Quotes from Eddie Izzard

Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder. So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't.

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.

I'm covered in bees!

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.

Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.

So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, ''Yeah, I suppose so.

You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!

Don't get somewhere as fast as possible. Get somewhere as good as possible

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

I love the fact that trying is respected. The American Dream: if you try, if you build it, they will come. I love that. It's honorable.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.