Quotes from Bill Engvall

If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.

It's fun being Bill Engvall.

I love playing the bitter guy.

I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.

My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are... the ones breaking into your house.

I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne.

As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside.

I'm a blue collar guy.

I've really got no complaints.

A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'

People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'

I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer.

I'm a big animal fanatic.