Quotes from David Sedaris

I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.

If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven't had a new mental adventure since high school. So that's what I like about books on tape, so my mind can't wander anywhere.

I think it's important to take chances.

In books and movies infidelity always looks so compelling, so right. Here are people who defy petty convention and are rewarded with only the tastiest bits of human experience.

They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting.

Thank god I'm in England, because if I lived in any other country, it'd probably be the Philippines. Because with Rodrigo Duterte as the leader they couldn't really give me attitude on Donald Trump.

But most good movies have a gun in them.

Most movies, I forget about them while I'm watching them. I go every single day. But I've never thought about participating in any way. It's like being at home all day. It was never a goal to me.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

Humor is necessary - it allows the reader to come up for air before dunking them under again. I need humor and I need it on the page to keep the reader going.

They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too generous and too knowledgable in the fields of plumbing and electricity.

When you read comic material and people aren't laughing how do you know they're listening.

Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'

Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?

The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.

My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.

But most good movies have a gun in them.