Quotes from Billy Connolly

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Never trust anybody with only one book.

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?