Quotes from Billy Connolly

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

A fart is just your arse applauding.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one." "Don't vote. It just encourages them....

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'.

If you give people a chance, they shine.

Never trust people who've only got one fucking book.

Fuck the begrudgers

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

People often say that football and boxing are the ways out of the working class and they are your ticket out of that kind of life, if you happen to want to leave it. But, for me, the library is the key. That is where the escape tunnel is. All of the knowledge in the world is there. The great brains of the world are at your fingertips.

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit.

There is this viewpoint that if you have come from the working class you have come from nothing, whereas the middle and upper classes are something, and I don't hold with that opinion. I think the working class is something. It is everything. They are the builders of society, and without them the whole house falls down.

What horrifies me most about war memorials is that no anti-war sentiments are ever displayed. It's as if war is fun or noble, when actually it's all about shit and snot and blood and guts and soldiers stomachs hanging out and people with their faces blown off. But they never showed that side of it. Perhaps, if they did, there'd be less of it.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

So I'm on a little one-man crusade to bring the obituary closer to the front of the paper. Let's sing a bit louder about the unsung. Rather than spending all our time watching stupid people doing stupid things and being filmed by other stupid people on reality TV shows, why don't we spend a few minutes each day reading about good people doing good things? I'm not being a hippy. It's just that we've got to improve ourselves as a species or we are absolutely doomed.

Never trust a man who when left alone with a tea cosey... doesn't try it on.

Blessed are those who yodel - for they shall never be troubled by offers of work.

I hope I've shown a few disbelievers that they should never discount those they think are different, disorganised or distractible.