Quotes from Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.

I don't aim to offend.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

Don't work out, work in.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?

To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart-about a finger's breadth-for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.