Quotes from Billy Connolly

life can be tough, and you either give up and moan about it, or you have a go at it.

Chic Murray once told me, he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, 'Did you fall?' He said, 'No, I'm trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.

Even though everybody knows that when you light up a cigarette God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards.

Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.

Film and TV V.I.P, seeker of the peace, part time chandelier cleaner, a legend in his own time, oppressor of champions, soldier of fortune, world traveller, bonvivant, all round good guy, international lover, casual hero, philosopher, wars fought, bears wrestled, equations solved, virgins enlightened, revolutions quelled, tigers castrated, orgies organised, bars quaffed dry, governments run, test rockets flown, life president of the Liquidarian Society of Great Britain and Ireland.

And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing.

We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, 'who's that?' I say, 'that's Jesus'. He says, 'BABY JESUS?!' I say, 'yeah, that's him'. He says, 'SOMEBODY KILLED BABY JESUS!' It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. 'WHAT? THE BASTARDS KILLED JESUS!

Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner

But, you know, when a man turns fifty, the weirdest and most disappointing thing happens. Your doctor loses interest in your testicles. And takes an overwhelming interest in your arsehole. It's the strangest thing. Because the chances of testicular cancer recede as you get older, and the chances of prostate cancer increase. Isn't life a fucking bowl of cherries?

My father once dropped fifty pence, bent down to pick it up and it hit him on the back of the neck. He used to wake up at night to see if he'd lost any sleep.

They say, 'Oh, I went up to Scotland once and it was raining.' Of course it was fucking raining! Where do you think Scotland is – the fucking Pyrenees? Take a raincoat, you stupid fucker!

Some people seem to be so afraid of being alone with themselves and their thoughts that they have to be talking to someone on the phone constantly. And talking really, really loudly. It's as though they're trying to shout the quiet out of their lives. 'HELLO? YEAH! I'M ALL RIGHT, HOW ARE YOU?' And as soon as one call ends, they're desperately trying to call someone else before the silence settles back. 'HELLO?' It's madness.

was brought up as a wee Glasgow Catholic. As a consequence, I went to a really weird school: Our Lady of Perpetual Pre-Menstrual Tension. It was fucking hard going, let me tell you.

Books have always meant a great deal to me. When I was young, people used to have all kinds of advice as to how the working class could free themselves from factory life and all of that frustration, but for me the true secret tunnel, the hidden escape route, was in the library, reading books.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on.

and everyone would stare at me because they were starving.

My stories are not story shaped, they're me shaped.

I hate sand. It just fucking sticks to me and makes me uncomfortable.

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.