Quotes from David Wong

but anyway he says that when you read the Bible, the Devil looks back at you through the pages.

I shoved the monster into the water, held it under, screamed "Die!" or something to that effect. After a few seconds it stopped moving and black sauce oozed out of it like an oil slick. Dr. Marconi got close enough so I could finally hear him. He said, "They're trying to get into the water! Don't let them!

But a supercomputer can do over a trillion mathematical equations in one second. To that machine, one second is a lifetime, an eternity. Speed up how much thinking you can do in two seconds and two seconds becomes two minutes, or two hours or two trillion years.

I glanced at Badly Drawn Jesus, then pulled the gun from my pocket. On Judgment Day, I'd be able to proudly state that when I thought the hordes of Hell were coming for a local girl, I stood ready to shoot at them with a small-caliber pistol.

This be some snowy shit,

kittens will make your sad go away.

today the menu is Kung Fu Chicken. And it's ALL YOU CAN EAT, BABY.

Guys, this is just retarded enough to work." We

I stared at the thing, blinking, thinking it would reveal itself to be, I don't know, a hot-water heater or something. Then I realized the monster-shaped shadow was, surprisingly, a monster.

Close to it was an aquarium tank filled with a thick, yellowish substance that could have been slug slime and at the bottom was a wrinkled grayish mass that could have been a human brain or possibly a meat-loaf.

At your age, life is full of possibilities. But as the years pass, those possibilities vanish, one by one, like doors closing in a hallway. You feel time slip by, and your energy slip away. One day, you realize you're too old to be a famous musician, or change careers, or have more children. And each of those closed doors represents a regret. As you get older, well, those regrets come to define you.

THEY SAY LOS Angeles is like The Wizard of Oz. One minute it's small-town monochrome neighborhoods and then boom—all of a sudden you're in a sprawling Technicolor freak show, dense with midgets. Unfortunately, this story does not take place in Los Angeles.

After a moment I realized it was simply Fred Durst and the group Limp Bizkit—Shitload's favorite band. They're the ones who invented the musical technique of feeding a list of generic rap phrases to a goat, then reading its turds into a microphone over heavy metal guitar.

John, let me make one thing clear," Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. "Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis's penis would be larger than your penis.

My hair looked like I had combed it with an angry cat.

his guts, the mad screams and desperate longings of seven trillion souls escape every time Korrok farts. And he does fart.

A teenager stood there. Right in the middle of my living room, a space that had been proudly teenager-free for years.

I flung the gun at another one of the monsters, missed, hit an elderly man in a wheelchair instead, toppling him over.

Are the most dangerous creatures the ones that use doors or the ones that don't?

doing an excellent job of ignoring

Anyway, it's two in the morning and we're taking turns pissing off of the tower (rather than going at the same time, because we weren't raised by wolves). So it's my turn and I'm right at that transcendent moment when the long stream of urine connects me and the ground below...

Gullibility is a knife at the throat of civilization

Everybody was circling around Robert, trying to get to the door while avoiding the infested, oozing mess and-holy shit is this song bad. It was like the singer was stabbing my ear with a dagger made of dried turds.

I turned, ran, fired the shotgun into the air and shouted, "Bomb! There's a bomb in the fountain! Everybody run for your lives! Please don't not panic!