Quotes from David Wong

There was a sound like a garbage bag of pudding dropped off a tall building onto a sidewalk. Robert had erupted, chunks slapping off the walls in every direction.

humans aren't cut out for anything. We cut ourselves out. Slowly, with a rusty knife. Because otherwise, here's what's going to happen: you're going to die and you're going to stand at the gates of judgment and you're going to ask God what was the meaning of it all, and God will say, 'I created the universe, you little shit. It was up to you to give it meaning.

When TJ and I got to the bottom, we found Hope staring terrified at Molly. The dog had something long and horrible and meaty in her jaws. It took me a moment to register that it was a very fresh-looking human spine. Damn, she was hungry.

Zoey had several vices in her life, perhaps none more dangerous than her addiction to pointless arguments.

John snatched the rebound, spun, jumped, slammed. He pumped his fist in victory. "Ring it up! Two hundred seventy-four to one thirty-seven!" In John's game, each shot is worth one hundred and thirty-seven points.

I stared out of the window, at my Bronco rusting in the parking lot, the metal eager to get back to just being dirt. Life was probably easier for it back then.

There was a sound like a garbage bag of pudding dropped off a tall building onto a sidewalk.

here's what's going to happen: you're going to die and you're going to stand at the gates of judgment and you're going to ask God what was the meaning of it all, and God will say, 'I created the universe, you little shit. It was up to you to give it meaning.

His senior year, he started a garage band that was quickly banned from every club, bar, park, and concert hall in the region due to his insistence on playing a song called, "This Venue Is a Front for Human Trafficking, Someone Call the FBI, this Is Not Just a Joke Song Title.

His sophomore year of high school, John was suspended multiple times because for every single creative writing assignment, he had turned in a different version of a story about a teenager (named "Jon") who was sneaking into the cafeteria and jerking off in the food.

If they didn't want the patients at the Undisclosed Ffirth Asylum command center slash patient processing facility to feel like prisoners, they were doing the world's shittiest job.

If God was the type who needed to be asked verbally before he would support your side over man-eating monsters, then she wasn't sure what good he would be once he joined.

Zoey asked Jacob, "Do you like it here?" He laughed. "That's a complicated question. All I know is that now I can't tolerate living anywhere else.

The guy next to him looked like he had covered his body in glue and rolled through a knife store. At the bottom of the feed was a logo that said "LEAGUE OF BADASS.

I heard a screeching like steam from a teapot, and realized it was me.

I'm not a nice guy. But I am on your side. Don't confuse the two. You hate me because I'm blunt and have no patience for wasted time or wasted words. Because I'm not nice. Well, a lot of nice people are nice because they've figured out it's a great way to get things from other people. Some of the slimiest snakes I've run across have been nice. So let me tell you now, if you ever see me resort to being nice, run.

And so, feeling like men trying to work a jigsaw puzzle blindfolded and using only our butt cheeks to grip the pieces, we left.

Velvet Jesus faced a shadow man to my left. Laser beams fired from his eyes.

They were steak-shaped dog treats, complete with little brown grill lines. I realized at that moment that no dog would know what those grill lines were and that they were purely for my benefit.

I wake up in a mood that I know will lead me to assault the very first person who asks me if the two-day rentals have to be back on Wednesday or Thursday. I had worked at Wally's Videe-Oh! for five years, been a manager for two. I started right after I dropped out of college. At the time I had heard that Quentin Tarantino got discovered while working at a video store,

The thing about not having parents is you don't have anyone to tell you you're heading down a path paved with grossly inaccurate expectations of what the world owes you.

Once, while recovering from a traumatic brain injury, he had received a revelation from God charging him with a singular mission: to do exactly what he would have done anyway, only more of it.

There are really only two kinds of monsters in the world, which you already know if you've been watching horror movies: Breeders and Non-breeders.

Alcohol was the reason we formed complex civilizations, and having to deal with the complexities of civilization is the reason most of us need alcohol.