Quotes from David Wong

You know, I observed a man who masturbated until he bled. Did he want to do that?

Shitload said, "His name is Korrok the Slavemaster from the eighth plane, also known in some realms as Baa'aaa'aaa'aab and in others as the Lord Zanthk All-Bzzki'l Shadd'uuul'l L'luuu'ddahs L'ikzzb-lla Khtnaz.

She was a hippie. I could tell, even dressed in a red prisoner jumpsuit. She had some haphazard braids in her hair, and that dopey trusting look in her eyes, like she was seeing the goodness of your soul at a glance.

The serpent then crawled onto the front of the domed roof of the train station they were about to pull into, wrapping its body around red block letters that spelled "JADEN SMITH FIGHTS A GIANT SNAKE." Jacob said, "I like how literal they are with the titles now, you know exactly what you're getting.

I walked right into a girl, broadsided her, felled her like a tree. I saw, to my horror, that it was Jennifer Lopez.

If you want to frisk me, I'll let you, but you got to hurry because there's a lot of me and we don't got much time. And don't be alarmed if I get aroused.

there was a reason Zoey had downed a fairly large antianxiety cookie before anyone had arrived.

Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I know. It's apathy. That's the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives A Fuck.

My feet had never been so bare. Those little naked toes.That spider thing probably looks at those like the ears on a chocolate bunny.

It was a shriek, like microphone feedback. But more organic and pained, like the sound a whale would make if it were on fire.

I then reached out, put my hands under his armpits and lifted him into the air. He was about as heavy as a department store mannequin. I doubt you've ever lifted one of those but you can probably guess that they're not very heavy.

With a bassy thump and a smell like burnt sulfur, Shitload farted himself far into the air.

save your love for the things that can love you back.

Look," Amy said, from behind me. "They threw laundry all over your floor in there." "Yeah. And they wore the clothes first, the bastards.

Love is not always a two-way street, sometimes you pour your energy into something that never gives back. Like people who keep lizards as pets. Is that worse than being alone, or without purpose?

He then wrestled away the man's gun and "dick-whipped" him with it. I am unclear as to whether or not this means he struck the man in the groin or merely slapped him in the same manner in which he would slap a person with his dick.

You're the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man.

There was a faded brown stain on the carpet and I wondered if a patient had once taken a shit in here in the middle of a session. I

that proverbial moment in which you realize your nausea is going to turn into a puke and that there is nothing to be done about it.

And don't put a bunch of bullshit in my mouth, or get cute and try to make me look stupid. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the salon to have my pubic hair straightened and dyed white so that my dick looks like Santa Claus." He closed the door, farting loudly all the way to his car. I went

The man-shaped arrangement of meat rose up, as if functioning as one body. It pushed itself up on two arms made of game hens and country bacon, planting two hands with sausage-link fingers on the floor. The phrase "sodomized by a bratwurst poltergeist" suddenly flew through my mind. Finally it stood fully upright, looking like the mascot for a butcher shop whose profits went entirely to support the owner's acid habit.

I would have waited outside if I'd known, since the potential for really awkward conversation seems pretty high in the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office.

We rode in silence, I think all of us wondering what was behind the flowery wallpaper our perceptions had always pasted on the unknown. All the things the mind won't allow us to see, to protect our sanity, or our soul, or maybe just to keep the shit out of our pants.

Yep. Thanks for calling us, Drake. You're the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man.