Quotes from David Wong

Let's say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you're the one who shot him.

you bunch of greedy fartsouls.

I'm not crazy," I said, crazily, to my court-appointed therapist. He seemed bored with our session. That actually made me want to act crazy, to impress him. Maybe that was his tactic. I thought, maybe I should tell him I'm the only person on Earth who has seen his entire skeleton. Or, I could make something up instead.

Well, Amy figured you don't need more than five minutes on this planet to figure out that one thing we know about God—maybe the only thing—is that he favors those who act.

There is no 'chosen one,' there is no destiny, nobody wakes up one day and finds out they're amazing at something. There's just slamming your head into the wall, refusing to take no for an answer. Being relentless, until either the wall or your head breaks. You want to be a hero? You don't have to make some grand decision. There's no inspirational music, there's no montage. You just don't quit.

He stared at the gadget in his hand and said, "So it's a magnet for cats? Hey! It's a pussy mag—

The horizon was shitting a sun, casting a glow on a layer of fog that was settling in the low areas like puddles of ghost piss.

The channel got switched to Fox News and a panel of experts was desperately trying to fill airtime by finding ways to rephrase the nothing that they knew, over and over again.

She wasn't some little princess from the suburbs who just graduated college with a humanities degree, she knew what people were really like.

making our way through a theme movie night (we'd picked out four films in which the ending is probably the main character's dying hallucination: Taxi Driver, Minority Report, The Shawshank Redemption, and Mrs. Doubtfire). In

The carp boasted a proud, heroic lineage (though of course it was not aware of this, or anything else aside from a vague sense that being a fish was pretty sweet).

Better to be looked over than overlooked. You want to walk into that funeral and have every dude in that room whip their head around and say, 'God-damn them is some fine-ass titties. I got to find me a divorce lawyer in the next five minutes.

We didn't do any of it on purpose. We're just … not very good at things.

you had wired-up glasses, you could overlay your view with their feed—literally see the world through their eyes, blotting out your own reality completely.

He buckled his seat belt, which he always did because he never knew when he would need to ramp something. He made the engine growl and told the headlights to fuck the night.

The air in the store was charged with panic—that bottled-up, impotent panic of a crowd that doesn't know how to act on it. Should they riot? Loot the place? Burn it down? Should they stampede out of there? To where? Cinnabon?

John says the men threw him down and intended to execute him, at which point he kicked one of the men in the face and backflipped to his feet. He then wrestled away the man's gun and "dick-whipped" him with it. I am unclear as to whether or not this means he struck the man in the groin or merely slapped him in the same manner in which he would slap a person with his dick.

I woke up in my bathroom, startled. I had nodded off while pooping. Long goddamned day.

I'm scared David" "That's good, because there's lots to be afraid of

What's up. This is Dave, the one you saw in your hallway. He's not a psychotic killer or anything," he lied

Show me your knife.' Man don't got a knife, I got no use for him—it's the universal tool.

He welcomed us inside and I decided on the spot that I wasn't doing it, never, ever, ever. But John went in and then the dog and then the fluffy kittens, and at that point I didn't really have a choice.

pillow fights

John glanced around, half expecting to see a disheveled Dave pulling himself up from some spot on the floor. He'd be squinting, his hair matted down, looking like he'd just been shit out of a dinosaur.