Quotes from David Wong

Sorry, Dave. My grandpa used to tell me, toward the end when he was going crazy, that talking through a dog ain't like talking through a sausage. Molly is in here with me and I gotta compete with the barker.

You see, because John and I have this thing where we're both seeing completely different versions of you. Now, John has eyesight problems because of his constant masturbation, but I don't think—" She burst into snakes.

My next novel will be the third volume in the John Dies at the End series, and in fact may already exist, again depending on when you're reading this.

The reality is that society had gotten too fast, noisy, and stressful for the human brain to process and everybody was ingesting something to either keep up or dull the shame of falling behind. For those few who truly live clean, well, it's the self-righteousness that gets them high.

was desperate to see what would show up but this was her bedroom and I suppose she had a reasonable fear of two creepy males clicking through shots of her dressing and doing the things girls do alone in their bedrooms. Lighting farts or whatever.

And have you ever heard the old human saying, 'I want to shoot you so bad, my dick's hard'?

Guys like him, the ones who grip the Bible so tight they leave fingernail grooves, they're the ones who are the most scared of their dark side. Always going too far the other way, fighting for the Lord, often just because it gives them an excuse to fight.

I tried to collect myself. Tired. Tired like a zombie. An overworked zombie, one who got hired as a salaried assistant manager at a zombie video store, only to find out "salaried" just means he doesn't get paid for overtime

We're like one German soldier alone on the beaches of Normandy on D-Day, holding a sharp stick.

We walked past a mailbox shaped like a cow and saw a hand-painted sign on the front door that read THE MORRISON'S—ESTABLISHED 1962. John and I had a long debate at the door about whether or not that apostrophe belonged there.

And I see her and she'd look up at me with those green eyes and I think, hey, saving the world, that's Hollywood bullshit. The best I can do is save this little bit of the world, this little corner that me and this girl stand in.

It was the pink elephant in the room, the thunderous fart in the elevator.

My melon soul Crushed by your Gallagher of apathy Sledgehammer! Hammerrrrr!

If somebody comes on TV and says everything is great and wonderful, you don't believe it, you say they're blowing smoke up your butt. You demand proof. But if one second later, some guy comes on and says everything is falling apart, you automatically believe it, no questions asked.

The floor was littered with paper cups and candy wrappers and cigarette butts and other teenager droppings. I saw a used condom under my shoe.

the jet stream undulating over us like an angry snake god.

John snatched the rebound, spun, jumped, slammed. He pumped his fist in victory. "Ring it up! Two hundred seventy-four to one thirty-seven!" In John's game, each shot is worth one hundred and thirty-seven points. "If I had a dime for every basket I made today, you'd still suck!

Most of the rest of the crowd was lined up in front of food carts selling kebabs, pizza cupcakes, and ice cream churros.

Molech swung and kicked and slaughtered Mexican food with every mighty blow, while a quarter billion extremely confused Blink users watched. And

Will said, "Molech, Zoey will not negotiate with you if you kill her mother. This is actually true of most people you'll encounter in a business setting.

A ghost sighting is usually nothing more than your brain trying to put a familiar face on something that does not have a face at all.

The kittens will make your sad go away." The

My girlfriend, Amy, was in the back seat. She wasn't driving because she didn't know how, but she apparently did have enough expertise to judge my performance, screaming warnings at me to keep my eyes on the road and to watch out for that curve and oh god we're all gonna die.

You know what helps? A warm glass of go fuck yourself.