Quotes from David Wong

Amy grabbed the vial from its hiding place (sitting in plain view on John's kitchen counter, next to a novelty bong shaped like a triathlon trophy) and we sprinted out the back door into a raging thunderstorm.

Just go. When you're on your deathbed you're gonna wish you could get back all the time you spent waiting on other people.

I was about to warn the girl about John's coffee, which tasted like a cup of battery acid someone had pissed in and then cursed at for several hours,

Inside they'd have found the aforementioned shotgun (a custom-made triple-barrel sawed-off), two hundred shells, Dave's blood-splattered chainsaw, the green mystery box taken from Dave's shed, a bag of Dave's clothes, a bottle of Grey Goose, a bad black velvet painting of Jesus and a fucking flamethrower.

She thanked the toilet, but it did not respond. That was good—if she started to think of it as a sentient being, it would probably be much harder to poop in its mouth.

You say you're not a hero? Well, I'm going to tell you the best and the worst thing you've ever heard. Heroes aren't born. You just go out there and grind it out. You fail and you look foolish and you just keep grinding.

mascot for a butcher shop whose profits went entirely to support the owner's acid habit.

My butt cheeks clenched to tightly that not even light could have escaped

They were waiting for me, I realized, too late. They were waiting for me to push the attack, to lead them. Welcome aboard the David Wong Disappointment Train, fuckers.

But it was just crying. She didn't get hysterical. She didn't fall apart.

Do the bees know they make the honey for you? Or do they work tirelessly because they think it is their own choice?

A mask of feigned nonchalance. It took practice to come up with that look. Somebody who had been shamed so many times that he'd adapted to simply never showing it, rather than changing to not do things he was ashamed of.

Have you never noticed that, after hearing a new word for the first time in your life, you'll hear it again within twenty-four hours?

We can't see around walls, we can't see heat or cold, we can't see electricity or radio signals, we can't see at a distance. It is a sense so limited that we might as well not have it, yet we have evolved to depend so heavily on it as a species that all other perception has atrophied.

Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don't know what it is. Well I know. It's apathy.

What followed had been … frantic. The underwear actually wound up with a little rip in them. She had found one of his animal buttons.

Ask me anything,

The truth was, I didn't feel sorry for Billy. He teased a dog and got his fingers bitten off. Fuck him. Fuck everybody.

mental state

light-headed, my body trembling from shoes to shoulders in random spells, like I swallowed a vibrator. It's always like this when I'm on the sauce. I dosed six hours ago.

MCWONGALD'S—SHIT LUNCH TURDWOMAN

Franky the Cop let me lead the way outside to the shed, staying a few steps back so that he could have time to shoot me in case I decided to wheel on him with fists of fury.

Wong is the most common surname in the world . . . " " . . . John is the most common first name in the world." "That's right," I said. "And yet there's not a single person named John Wong. I looked it up." "You know, I work with a John Wong.

TACO STORM? • FAKE ALIEN INVASION? NUCLEAR BOMB? • ECHO HACKS AND/OR SEDUCES SOMETHING • DEFACE THE FIRE AND ICE (DONGS?) • CATS CATS CATS • GET MOLECH BACK HERE (FART RAY?) • WILL WORKS HIS MAGIC (LIKE IN "THE RINGMASTER")