Quotes from Spike Milligan

Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her.

We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating.

One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

It was implanted in me that I came from a different class - an elevated class. I was cushioned by servants. I don't remember doing anything for myself. I only played and went to school.

I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state.

Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like!

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

After five days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

Apéritif: French for a set of dentures.

Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.