Quotes from Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

If I could write words Like leaves on an autumn forest floor, What a bonfire my letters would make. If I could speak words of water, You would drown when I said "I love you.

On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill".

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door. In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken. 'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?

After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn't think quick enough.

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable.

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?" A Bongaloo, Son," said I, Is a tall bag of cheese Plus a Chinaman's knees And the leg of a nanny goat's eye

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.

The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.