Quotes from Spike Milligan

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived." I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish."

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

The Grand Old Duke of York He had ten thousand men. His case comes up next week.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.