Quotes from Spike Milligan

Be careful of strong drink my sons," he warned. "Bear in mind it excites the sexual appetites, therefore if you see a comrade drunk, bring him home and bathe the parts in cold water." It was great to know how to be a Christian, all you needed was an erection and a bucket of cold water.

runner-cum-slave

Is it because with the future unknown, the present traumatic, that we find the past so secure?

Outside a seedy white Gendarmerie, an unshaven seedy off-white gendarme slumbered in a chair. 'He's pretending there isn't a war on,' said Mr Budden. I shouted 'Ai Meisu! le Gendarme? Où est la Guerre Mondiale Nombre Deux?' He pointed up the road. 'Avante siese mille kilo.' He grinned and fell back to sleep.

Life is a long agonised illness only curable by death

God Made Night but Man Made Darkness

Time now for what I told you was the 'Leg Cocking'; this is an English officer gyration. The man assumes the position for a Highland Reel, and then at the sound of 2/4 or 6/8 tempo, he raises his right leg and leaps all over the room with one hand up in the air and one on his hip. We played 'Highland Laddie'; at once the floor became a mass of leaping twits all yelling "Och! Aye!

At Victoria Station the R.T.O. gave me a travel warrant, a white feather and a picture of Hitler marked "This is your enemy." I searched every compartment, but he wasn't on the train. At 4.30, June 2nd, 1940, on a summer's day all mare's tails and blue sky we arrived at Bexhill-on-Sea, where I got off. It wasn't easy. The train didn't stop there.

the modern social pattern of unending change and movement

I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn't want to and he couldn't

Things began to improve when I went to Rangoon. To begin with, my father was promoted, which meant he was at home more. The matriarchal society was ended, and for the first time, I went to a boys' school.

It's all in the mind, you know.

The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, Why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots.

I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God's presence.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.