Quotes from Tommy Cooper

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".