Quotes from Dana Gould

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.