Quotes from Evan Esar

There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.

Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow.

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.

If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.

Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it unarmed.

Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.

Experience is a great teacher, and sometimes a pretty teacher is a great experience.

Good teachers cost a lot; but, poor teachers cost a lot more.

A smart mother suggests that her child bring an apple to his teacher; a smarter mother suggests that he bring a couple of aspirins.

It's not the loss of life that makes the death bitter -- it's the obituaries.

The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook--and isn't.

[Statistics] Fiction in its most uninteresting form.

The cat: an animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting Yes.

About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn.

Bureaucracy is more people doing less things, and taking more time to do them worse.

Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.

Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs.

A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.