Quotes from Evan Esar

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

[A mathematician is a] scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.

In most homes, the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

Statistics The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow

Let those who want to, arrive Let those who want to, leave Let those who want to, stay With out harm to me or mine

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either.