Quotes from Doug Stanhope

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.