Quotes from Doug Stanhope

She'd taken the time and care to have her tape recorder ready so that any time she had to fart, she could just pick it up and rip one. When she had a full cassette tape, she drew up a cover and mailed it to the office. I'd play it for people and they'd say, "That's from your Mother???" She

Artist communities love to bullshit each other and glad-hand one another, and there's no room for the crippling honesty of comedy. "I'm a painter" -- well... you don't...probably need to do that. . . . if you're painting something that doesn't exist, I understand that, I can appreciate- . . . but if your pain- 'oh, it's a barnyard scene in autumn'--well then just take a picture of a barn in autumn! It's way better than a painting! - Before Turning the Gun on Himself [2012]

I think a lot of women look at hookers like scabs crossing a picket line. "You can't just go out and sell it! We're holding out for so much more!

Life isn't for everybody.

I ventured the idea that, as most of the women in Kilkenny were such misshapen pigs, if you were to actually fuck them, you would be more concerned the next morning about what species they were rather than what age.

I have the Tony Romo of dicks. It can squeak out a win on the road in Buffalo but when you put it in the big game under pressure, it fumbles.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.