Quotes from Doug Stanhope

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.