Quotes from Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it's sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful -- to their creators -- but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

All that stuff, tradition and heritage. It's dead people's baggage. Quit carrying it.

Stop worrying about your credits and consider enjoying your day. You die at the end.

I don't even understand the connection with 'died for your sins'. He died for your sin, well, how does one affect the other? 'I hit myself in the foot with a shovel for your mortgage'...

But every time an artist dies young, Kurt Cobain or whatever, it's always the people -- "It's so sad, he had so much more to give." How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes, and that's the American Dream. And when you're done with that, you go, "Oh, that's why they call it a dream. It's bullshit. I'm still empty.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

f you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!

Don't fucking work hard, dummy, you die at the end! Didn't anyone tell you?

People come up to you and say, "Oh man, that's the scariest thing in the world what you do, talk in front of people." It's not scary to me. Your job is scary to me, fucking selling shoes in the mall for 30 years only to have the place go out of business.

There's no such thing as addiction; there's only things you enjoy doing more than life." -- Doug Stanhope

Some of the best nights in your life will never make it onto your Wikipedia page. Stop worrying about your credits and consider enjoying the day. You die at the end.

A lot of guys write books that are nothing but a compendium of women they've had sex with. Those guys are vapid assholes. Yet there are times when getting laid can pull your ego and confidence up from the ashes, especially when you are young and honestly feel out of your league. It's meaningless in the long run but at the time it works.